It’s not the first time that you’ve entertained the possibility that your spouse is cheating on you.
You assure yourself that it would never happen in your marriage–not you two. But your vague uneasiness and your intuition are telling you that something’s off.
You jokingly brought it up to your husband before bedtime and he told you that you’re overthinking things. “Business trips are simply business,” he said. Or over breakfast you asked your wife about her increasingly frequent evening trips to the gym; she brushed it off with a hug and a promise that she would never cheat on you.
Yet you can’t get rid of that nagging thought in the back of your mind or that slightly nauseous feeling you get when you sense something unpleasant.
Is My Spouse Cheating on Me?
Are you being paranoid or insecure?
How can you know for sure that your partner is not having an affair?
There are a lot of articles and resources highlighting the obvious signs that your spouse may be cheating on you — the mood swings, becoming emotionally distant out of nowhere, and failing to pay attention to the “little things” in your relationship.
In this article, we’re going to zoom in on the not-so-obvious hints of infidelity.
Quick disclaimer: The signs are not absolutes. Think of them as clues for further investigation, not facts that you can use as solid proof in a divorce case.
1. Your spouse is using their phone and other digital devices differently.
Let’s face it, these days most of us are frequently on our cell phones or computer. We’re checking out our social media apps, looking at news, playing games, or interacting on various chat apps, that is to be expected. However, look out for changes in how your partner is using his (or her!) phone and tech devices.
Is your spouse’s phone suddenly silent all the time? Are they ignoring texts and refusing to pick up calls when you’re around?
Cheating partners often leave their phones somewhere private (the car for instance) when they’re spending time with their unsuspecting spouses. This could mean that they’re trying to avoid questionable calls or texts while in their spouse’s presence.
Not leaving their phone in a common space or retreating to another room to answer a call could be saying something too.
Another subtle sign is when you notice the love of your life is always glued to her phone or digital device, but her texting and browsing history suggests otherwise. She is frequently cleaning her devices because deleting all breadcrumbs becomes a priority for her.
Finally, a spouse who locks their phone or iPad with a code or fingerprint (particularly when they used to be relaxed about it) is another not-so-obvious hint. But watch out because the opposite could also be a sign; when your partner is suddenly open about their phone and tech habits by giving you full access (when they used to be paranoid about privacy) it may suggest something is amiss.
2. Your partner is putting more effort into his appearance.
When a relationship is new it’s not uncommon to be more mindful of your grooming and hygiene habits–the same is true with cheating spouses.
Is your wife shaving her legs more frequently? That’s a sure-fire hint that she’s more conscious of her appearance. Is your husband spending a lot of time at the gym? Is he trying to lose weight or working on Channing Tatum abs? He’s going on a golf weekend with his buddies, why is he bringing dress clothes? She’s off to a girls’ night out, why is she taking so much time with her make-up and hair? Who are they trying to impress anyway?
A partner who jumps right into a long, hot shower only minutes after they arrive home may be washing away any proof of their secret affair. Sometimes, a cheating partner may suggest they take over laundry duties (disguised as a favor to you) because they’re afraid you might uncover evidence of infidelity while emptying their pockets.
3. Suddenly your spouse is more playful, adventurous, or experimental in bed.
Common sense tells you that cheating spouses will stop initiating sex with you, right? In reality, the opposite may be true.
When a partner cheats there’s a tendency for him or her to overcompensate with their actions toward you. So there may be a sudden shift to being overly attentive to your needs in bed, and not surprisingly they may suddenly want to try new or kinky things that they’ve never initiated before.
Relationship counselors explain that having new tricks in the bedroom is characteristically the result of a combination of renewed sex drive mixed with guilt.
4. The person you thought you knew begins obsessing about privacy.
When your partner suddenly stays up late at night, spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the computer, or is waking up super-early to privately read her email, it could be a hint that something’s going on.
Jeff Foxworthy’s logic might apply here, (you remember, if you’re using your living room sofa as patio furniture you might be a redneck)? Likewise, if your spouse starts creating separate bank accounts, his own cell phone plan, a different Amazon account (you got the picture), he might be having an affair. While not all people who do these things can be accused of cheating, there’s more than a small chance that they’re hiding an affair from you.
5. All of a sudden your partner is overly-nice to you.
Another common stereotype of spouses having affairs is they’re going to act hostile and mean to you and the rest of the family.
However, showering you with just-because-I-thought-you’d-like-it gifts out of the blue may be a hint that your partner is trying to compensate for his or her unacceptable behavior.
When you and your spouse are no longer having disagreements and typical relationship issues are swept under the rug because your partner doesn’t want to talk about them anymore, it could also be a sign that their needs are being met elsewhere.
Final Thoughts
Cheating and extramarital affairs have been around since the first time a couple said “I do,” but somehow it remains one of those taboo subjects that people don’t want to openly discuss.
A partner’s response and reaction to the discovery of a cheating partner will vary depending on the current state of the relationship, cultural background, upbringing, and values. Esther Perel, one of the world’s most respected relationship psychotherapists, writes in Why Happy People Cheat — “Every affair will redefine a marriage, and every marriage will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.”
There’s no universal indicator or sign of a spouses having an affair. However, it helps to know which hints to look for because it makes it a lot easier to talk to your spouse. Consequently, you and your spouse have to decide if both of you would like to make the relationship work or eventually end your marriage.
Did you recently discover that a spouse is committing adultery? Part 2 – Your Spouse is Cheating on You, Now What?
Would you like to know your legal options after discovering a spouse’s infidelity? Or you’re still not sure if a partner is cheating on you but you’d like to talk to legal counsel?
Get in touch with us today. We’ll work with you on how to move forward.